Jesus, Not Jesús: Finding The Divine In The Space Between Us.
  • Be Kind
  • About this blog
  • About the author
  • Contact
  • Be Kind
  • About this blog
  • About the author
  • Contact

Grateful for my struggle

6/14/2019

9 Comments

 
For some reason I wrote this post below in a text to someone whose heart and struggle I share. It just came out. Maybe feeing hopeful or grateful or just simply needed to feel not so alone.
Picture
Five years ago I graduated from seminary. Tomorrow will mark my fifth year of my ordination into ministry.

In this time I have been burnt by two churches I served faithfully, rejected by three churches I applied to, and turned down an offer to another church because when they didn’t think I was watching I saw who they really were. And to be honest, I didn’t want to be burnt or let down again.

I have also started a church in my backyard. And I have quit that church more times than I can count. For over two years I have struggled to get it off the ground and a day doesn’t go by where I feel as if I am failing.

I often daydream about being somewhere else, doing anything but this. Yet here I am. Some call me committed. Others believe I should be committed. The anxiety that causes my heart to pound in my head deafens their critiques.

Still I am my harshest critic. My best worst enemy. Yet, for some unexplainable reason my faith is stronger than ever. My hope remains unsinkable. And eyes remain open so my heart can see, feel, and simply be love. And not just any kind of love, but a part of a greater, more mysterious divine sensation I constantly fail to adequate or fully describe.

This is what keeps my heart beating when I pray for it to stop. This is what gets me out of bed, to move through this bleak and broken world to help at least one person a day feel the love I feel. This is what gets me to write out words of confession. This is what pushes me to look beyond my fear, my anxiety, and my inabilities so that I might be able to leap into the uncomfortable and dark unknown.

Some call it faith. Others call it foolishness. I call it my life. And I am grateful (even if I am often miserable) to share every heartbeat with you.
9 Comments
Dawn
6/14/2019 09:14:36 am

Beautiful. I am grateful for you.

Reply
Ian
6/14/2019 09:19:22 pm

Feelings are mutual

Reply
Jason
6/14/2019 11:07:40 am

Thank you for sharing these inspiring thoughts. I am so grateful for them and for you.

Reply
Ian
6/14/2019 09:17:51 pm

Thank you, sir. Good inspiration.

Reply
Angela
6/14/2019 11:30:46 am

I am beyond grateful for you! Your in my heart every second, my thoughts every day & prayers always my friend. You inspire me when I need it most & God has this! Keep giving it to him like you’ve taught me & everything will work out ❤️

Reply
Tammy
6/14/2019 07:22:43 pm

Reading this article on Love, takes me back to our high school days how we would write Peace and Love on our notebooks, desk ect... I guess it wasn't all bad... it reminded us to love and not hate and some knew that Jesus was at the center of love and to be love.

Reply
Ian
6/14/2019 09:18:44 pm

Good memory. And a great reminder.

Reply
Missy Lumbard
6/14/2019 08:44:21 pm

You are a super special light in this world! Never forget that! Hugs friend!

Reply
Sue Moss
6/15/2019 11:51:26 am

My friend and brother, life can be so confusing. I personally cannot think of a day that your love and support are not felt by me or have helped me through my journey. God's grace is with you. Thank you.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Ian Macdonald

    An ex-copywriter turned punk rock pastor and peacemaker who dedicates his life to making the world a better place for all humanity. 

    "that they all might be one"  ~John 17:21


    “Prius vita quam doctrina.”
    ​~ S
    t. Thomas Aquinas (1225–1274)​
    * “Life is more important than doctrine.”


    Archives

    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    February 2011
    December 2010
    September 2010
    August 2010
    July 2010

Be Kind

About this blog

About The Author

Contact

Copyright © 2011