As I begin a new journey, and a new test of my faith, I struggle; desiring to be perfect. I am afraid. I am scared of what lies ahead and what has been left behind. Such fears, I remind myself, are unnecessary. "Put your hope and trust in God," I say and yet I have to remind myself daily to do so. In this, I feel as if I have failed myself as much as I have failed my Creator. I struggle to understand. Why? Because I believe I am in control.
In this wilderness journey, I feel as if I have become blind to the light that surrounds me. I wander emotionless to the joy that is present, and cover my eyes and hide my head from the life I have been blessed with. And yet, I know there is no place to hide in which God cannot penetrate. No shell or armor God cannot crack. Still I allow my body to ache, my heart to yearn, and my mind to grumble and lament. This is nothing new, to me or to God.
Yet as I force myself to face these difficulties, knowing God is present in my life, The Word seems to speak more clearly to me. Daily devotionals and scripture readings speak directly to my heart. For a moment, brief or long, I am taken away from myself and placed in the arms of comfort and peace.
It is here, in The Word, I begin to feel love, joy, hope. And from there the Spirit becomes present again, and I begin to see God all around me. Whenever we struggle with people, prayer, work, the church, or life's difficulties, we have to change our focus, move away from self and closer to God. As Jesus said, "Seek first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all the things your heart desires will be given to you."